When To Have Sex
I try to avoid sex on a first date.
Let me be clear, I’ve had one-night stands. I don’t say this to brag,
just as a necessary distinction. Besides, some of them may not be
something to brag about (insert winking emoticon here). But ending up in
the bedroom with a girl you’ve been dating is a very different
situation than bringing a girl home after the bar closes. The latter is
usually just about sex, and the former is often about more.
Consequently, the question inevitably rises over time: When is the right
time to bring sex into the dating ritual?
I’ve been back and
forth on this topic with friends since we were old enough to know that
we wanted more than just physical intimacy and that we wanted
relationships. As we get older and begin to look at the women we meet as
potential partners, we begin to weigh many factors before jumping into
bed with them. It does not mean we forget about those fun nights when we
offer shots to the girls next to us in hopes of seeing the inside of
the cute one’s apartment. It simply means that when we are really going
after someone, it requires more tact when looking to get the physical
things brewing. The questions is: Is there a perfect time?
Jumping The Gun
Clever wordplay and double meanings aside, there is nothing more
potentially disastrous to a good courtship then getting there too
quickly. Now, I know that everyone likes to say things like, “But what
if the moment is right?” or “Sometimes it just has to happen,” but when
talking about dating as the pursuit of a real relationship, too early is
a very risky play. I am not suggesting that you shouldn't go for it if
your date leads immediately to sex; I’m just saying that the likelihood
of that turning into something more is diminished significantly.
As
cliché as it sounds, men like the challenge. You know we do. The
importance of having to really work toward sexual activity with a woman
we are seriously interested in helps build the romance for us. Whether
we choose to admit it or not, what comes from having to wait to get
naked is the gradual formation of the opinion that this girl is worth
waiting for.
If you have sex on the first date, what inevitably
follows is a sudden dip in real interest. We’ve all been there: Watching
from the bed as our enthusiasm sneaks out the window like a ghost
before we even get our pants on. It sucks. It may seem to women that we
are being cruel, but it's coded into our male gene. The difficulty of
the pursuit is directly correlated to our perception of the romantic
potential. The fact is, the right women know this and work equally as
hard to avoid sleeping with a guy they like on the first date. For many
of them, the regret they feel if things move too quickly is not guilt;
it’s just genuine concern that something good may have just been
sabotaged.
The Long Haul
Waiting too long
can be the kiss of death. It’s one thing to make it clear you want to
pace things because you like and respect her, but it’s also vital that
you do not behave so cool that she begins to wonder if you are really
interested.
There are two sides to this one. Whether we are
comfortable with it or not, there is some strategy and calculation
required at the beginning. Nobody has ever won over a girl’s heart by
being too eager — that only happens in the movies. But being aloof is
very different from taking yourself out of her sights. There is much to
be said in keeping a woman’s attention by not pushing too much at the
outset. Not only will she respect that, but it has the added benefit of
creating desire on her part. The flip side to that coin is you have to
be careful not to drag it out too much.
We have to keep in mind
that when things are starting out, most people do not consider
themselves exclusive just yet. As a result, their minds are still open
to meeting other people. If you withhold for too long, this keeps that
period of uncertainty going for longer than you may want to risk. If
either of you are getting antsy about the lack of progress in the sex
department, there may be the temptation to rationalize some more casual
encounters with others if the opportunity arises. It is key to try and
close that window sooner than later.
I waited until the fourth
date with someone before we found our way to the bedroom, and she
remarked, “I’m glad that finally happened,” when we were having brunch
the next day. "Glad" and "finally" are a good outcome, but maybe things
were cut a little too close. Even the most interested woman will start
to wonder what’s happening if you keep waiting for the right moment. But
don’t sit back and wait — this is where things can be drawn out into
the "too late zone." Sometimes you need to make the moment happen before
too much time has passed. Try to choose the right plans and settings
for your dates to encourage things to happen.
The difficulty of the pursuit is directly correlated to our perception of the romantic potential.
Get our sugar mummies here!
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