PHONE SEX (Is Your Relationship Missing A Classic Element? Let's Talk About... Phone Sex)

Sure, we can sext and masturbate via FaceTime or Skype, but phone sex is all about performance, imagination and really working hard to get yourself and your partner on the other line off with just your voices. Sexting is like reading a Twitter feed, but phone sex is like sitting down with a really thick novel and conquering that thing, start to finish.

Of course, there’s the business of phone sex, which is rapidly dying because the internet is filled with free porn. A few years ago, I tried to be a phone actress. I failed miserably. I couldn’t even force myself to complete a call all the way through. Truthfully, my biggest fear wasn’t that the caller would be a freak or that I would even know the person on the other end of the line (a totally unlikely and insane fear) — I was most afraid of the fact that I wouldn’t be able to satisfy the caller. I felt like I was 14 years old again, afraid to give a blow job, not because I didn't want to, but because I thought I might do it wrong. There is no power in that position, so I quit.

Now, that being said, my professional career as a phone actress may have been a flop, but playing the phone sex game with a partner who you know and trust is a whole new ball game. As I said, there’s something classic about phone sex. Blake Butler recently wrote a story for VICE — “Owning Porn Used To Mean Something, Damnit!” — where he talked about how technology has taken the tangibility, seduction and weird excitement away from porn. He recalls the days of actually going to buy a porn magazine at the Happy Mart and then sharing it with all your friends like it was pure gold. I feel these parallels work with phone sex vs. getting down via FaceTime or sexting: There’s an imagination and a mystery to this mode of sexual arousal that is lacking in other forms of communication. Everything is so immediate, but phone sex, like a really good orgasm, is a slow grow that you work for, which makes the climax that much better.

Phone sex is all about creating fantasy. Perhaps you don’t know how to kick it off, but a good way to begin is talking about things you want to do to her. Be specific with your words. Talk about your greatest fantasies and encourage her to reciprocate. If the words are right (and they will be, just trust) you will both start to get hot. As long as you are both into the conversation, there are no rules, so let it go. Paint a wild picture and don’t forget little details. As this progresses, take it into real time. Describe what you're doing to her and how you're doing it; soon she'll be taking her hands south and so will you. Some people can get away with this act without privacy, and others just cannot. Make sure you're totally in the zone with no distractions (maybe work isn't the best place to engage in phone sex, but if your office is private and you can handle it, more power to you.)

Phone sex can be amazing if you really put your words to work. It’s a great way to divulge your fantasies as well as learn hers, and bring those to life through the phone when you can’t be in the same bed. Go classic. Enjoy phone sex.

Today, it seems irrelevant to talk about phone sex. It’s not 1992 (or is it?). But I’m going to go out here and say there is just something... classic about phone sex.