10 STEPS TO ENDING A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

You know the feeling. You're seeing someone and each time their name pops up on your phone you get that rush of nerves and a slightly sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. The sex is some of the best you've ever had. You start texting her at odd hours of the night and you're sounding more needy than normal. Then she starts standing you up, not replying to your texts, but you give her chance after chance (when you DO meet up it's SO good; surely she wants this as much as you do?!) This cycle goes on for weeks or maybe months – when she answers you're on top of the world and when she's being distant you're distraught. Dude, you're in a toxic relationship.

Step 1: Identify if you’re in a toxic relationship. 

Maybe you feel less than yourself with her, like you’re being inauthentic, or living off highs and lows. You feel drained or exhausted while with her or after, or while waiting to hear from her. You will feel energetically if someone is adding or subtracting from you, and if your sense of self is being sapped in this relationship, most likely your energy is following suit. It's time to ID this bad boy and move on.

Step 2: Keep a record. 

Make note of the ways she has let you down or pulled you away from your vision; of all the times that you have felt less than joyful around this person. This will increase your awareness of how much someone is taking from you.

Step 3: Identify the rewards of being in a toxic relationship.

There are payoffs for being in a toxic relationship. If there wasn’t a reward, we wouldn’t do it. Do they make you feel powerful, or important? Are they supporting you financially? Is it about not being alone? 

Step 4: Give up the excuses. 

Realise that you’re in a story that you’re making up and you get to change the ending. You can stop justifying their behaviour. 

Step 5: Get clear on your vision for your relationship. 

Try finishing these sentences to define what you want:
My vision for my relationship with _____ is...
How I want to feel when I’m with _____ is...
What _____ adds to my life is…
What I add to _____’s life is…
The clearer you are, the easier it is to identify toxic behaviour because the gap will be more obvious.

Step 6: Have the conversation. 

Create a distraction-free environment. Face to face is ideal, but Skype or Facetime will work as long as you both stay clear of distractions. Get to the point quickly. Focus the conversation on how you’re feeling vs. what they’re doing wrong. Be firm and clear on what you need from them to transform the relationship or that the relationship is over.

Step 7: Grieve and mourn the loss of the relationship. 

If ending the relationship is the result of the conversation, make time to let it go. Remove the person from every aspect of your life. Feel whatever feelings come up. Release guilt and resentment. Mourn in whatever way feels right for you. 

Step 8: Write down the lessons learned. 

Take the time to evaluate what has happened and what you’ve learned.

Step 9: Fill the emptiness with positive people and activities. 

Recognise that now is a time to rekindle other relationships and do things that are good for you. Exercise, hobbies, developing talents –anything that makes you feel good. 

Step 10: Indulge in self-love. 

Recognise the gift that you are and that you are important. You deserve love and joy, and you only need to surround yourself with people and things that perpetuate that love.

We all deserve to have the happiest and fullest life possible. “Show me your friends, I’ll show you your future.” If you surround yourself with toxic, dramatic people you’ll have a toxic, dramatic life. If you surround yourself with positive, wonderful people, you’ll have a positive, wonderful life. 

If someone is standing in the way of that, if someone is holding you back, then you have to remove them from your life

Replace them with someone or something that lifts you up and makes you feel GREAT.

Good luck.

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