Of all the appendages a man has, the thumb has not traditionally been
associated with sex. Since sexting became a thing,
however (a whopping six out of 10 UK teens sext according to the BBC – and we'll guess it doesn't stop in adulthood), you have to be as good with your thumbs as your are with any of your more frequently used apparatus. Sending suggestive texts can, after all, be a great way to build anticipation for date night, or keep things steamy when you can’t see each other for a while.
however (a whopping six out of 10 UK teens sext according to the BBC – and we'll guess it doesn't stop in adulthood), you have to be as good with your thumbs as your are with any of your more frequently used apparatus. Sending suggestive texts can, after all, be a great way to build anticipation for date night, or keep things steamy when you can’t see each other for a while.
But sexting is, like sex itself, something of a dance. Sudden
or uninvited moves are unlikely to be well received. You don’t want to
go too far to fast, and you always want to respect one another’s
boundaries. Successful sexting should leave you both aroused and primed
for the real thing – and that takes timing and a touch of foreplay. Here
are the rules of thumb you should stick to when composing and sending
X-rated messages.
Timing
“First of all, don't sext until you have gone on a couple of dates. It's weird and can feel creepy or scary,” says dating coach Laurel House. Basically: if you've not started down that path in real life, don't go there via text. That’s not to say you can’t sext if you haven’t yet had sex, but you should have at least expressed mutual attraction and sexual interest – otherwise
it'd be hard to know whether she's keen or if you're about to send
yourself to another kind of pound town (aka locked up). Sorry, we
couldn't resist.
“Even broach the subject with her in person or on the phone, asking
if that's something that she likes to do. Communication is key in order
not to freak her out or scare her away,” says House.
Once you have gotten the green light, only sext when you're sure
she's in the appropriate time, place, and mood, says House. “If you
catch her in the middle of a meeting, while it may be sexy knowing that
she's dirty talking
you while presenting some important big pitch to her boss, the reality
is that she can't be focused on either activity and both will be less
than great,” says House. First ask her: "What are you doing right now?" Simple. Clean. If it's a good time and she's in the mood too, let it progress from there.
Start Small
Be gentle and a bit ambiguous at first, suggests Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess.
Dr. Jess says some examples of great starters you could try may be:
Then, says Jess, follow her lead and tease it out a bit.
“If she responds asking for more details (e.g. 'What are you thinking exactly?' or 'What did you dream about?'), that's your green light.
And, no, we're not talking dick pics.
Think of sexting as virtual foreplay – draw out the conversation to build anticipation, says Dr. Jess. Use your words. Send genuine compliments where appropriate (e.g. 'I was thinking about your skin' or 'I’ll tell you about the whole dream later, but it was hot,'), says Jess. Don’t
send photos or use highly sexual language early on. That will come as
the interaction progresses. Though, honestly, we're not sure it's ever a
good idea to send a woman a full frontal, anyway...
Foreplay
Like we said, starting out slow is crucial, says House.
Say something like, "I miss you. I miss your body. I can't stop thinking about last night." See how she responds. Make sure to start by complimenting her. Warm
her up a bit. Not all together different from your usual foreplay,
you're meant to stay away from pulling out the big guns too early on.
Then say something like, "I can imagine your lips against mine,
your tongue in my mouth, your fingers going through my hair." You want
to say things that will turn HER on, says House. So, no, "I want you to go down on me" is probably NOT going to do it for her (we know, it's a shame).
“If you know that she likes to sweep her fingers through your hair when
you are intimate, or you know that she loves to kiss you, that's what
you have to say. You need to tend to her preferences here, not yours.
See how she reacts. If she bites, then keep it up. But remember: Just
like foreplay, sexting intimacy is a lead up, not a wham-bam,” says
House.
A few key starter phrases to use: "I need you", "I can’t control
myself with you", "You're going to love it", "I want to make you cum".
Lead her through a fantasy. “Describe what
she is seeing, feeling, and doing. Imagine reading her an erotic book.
Don't rush it. You may be getting turned on and ready to get off before
she does. Don't let that happen!” says House.
Slow your pace and let her catch up. You are in control, says House, so
stay in control of yourself too. Once things heat up, ask her to repeat back
to you what you're saying and whether she likes it; this will help her
feel less self-conscious about how she responds. And once you get
to a certain level, don't shy away from more explicit language – it
won't read like poetry, it will read like smut, like 50 Shades. Which is the whole point.
Reinforce how much you like pleasing her, says House, and she's sure to get turned on.
Be Vivid
Good texting dirty is about being descriptive and concrete. “The goal
is to arouse your sextee, and make them feel fully engaged. It's a form
of sex itself, and can be used to for long-distance sex, between
encounters, or for masturbation. Remember, this is sexting, not phone
sex, so it's about powerful statements,” says sexologist Dr. Chris Donaghue.
Talk about your own arousal too. “Arousal is often a feedback loop,
where a partner is turned on by hearing how they are turning you on. And
you MUST be descriptive and obvious,” says Donaghue.
Build Anticipation
And at the end? Leave her hanging a little bit – mention your next encounter. Anticipation is the strongest foreplay, says Dr. Jess.
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