1. Make The Most Of Your Headstart
For most, fatherhood starts a long time before the baby is born. For months, you will have been reading up (What To Expect When You’re Expecting is the textbook, er, textbook) and doubtless participated in a few ante-natal courses. These are not only instructive but help when you meet potential smug parenty friends. You would have also started selecting your prams, cots, and miniscule clothes. But this attained knowledge is vital when the baby actually arrives.
For most, fatherhood starts a long time before the baby is born. For months, you will have been reading up (What To Expect When You’re Expecting is the textbook, er, textbook) and doubtless participated in a few ante-natal courses. These are not only instructive but help when you meet potential smug parenty friends. You would have also started selecting your prams, cots, and miniscule clothes. But this attained knowledge is vital when the baby actually arrives.
2. Birth Is Amazing
You will have witnessed something truly awesome. Somebody you’re about to love will emerge, blinky, pinky and tiny, out of somebody else you love — now that’s miraculous. Amid all the blood-curdling screams and blind panic, it might not feel that way, but it is. Just remember to bring a packed lunch (labour can last a looooong time) and stay down the head end. Just to be clear: your partner's head end, not the baby's head end. It's like 'Nam down there.
You will have witnessed something truly awesome. Somebody you’re about to love will emerge, blinky, pinky and tiny, out of somebody else you love — now that’s miraculous. Amid all the blood-curdling screams and blind panic, it might not feel that way, but it is. Just remember to bring a packed lunch (labour can last a looooong time) and stay down the head end. Just to be clear: your partner's head end, not the baby's head end. It's like 'Nam down there.
3. You’re Just The Hired Help (Unpaid)
For the next year, your partner will do most of the work. She does the hard yards with a bump, gives birth, breastfeeds… Even the most enlightened, equal couple can’t change all that. So your main job is support. Make her feel good when she feels tired, blobby and unglamorous. Take over infant-wrangling so she can sleep. Cook meals. Ferry them about. Do the unglamorous stuff. Then steal precious time with both the baby and its mum when you can.
For the next year, your partner will do most of the work. She does the hard yards with a bump, gives birth, breastfeeds… Even the most enlightened, equal couple can’t change all that. So your main job is support. Make her feel good when she feels tired, blobby and unglamorous. Take over infant-wrangling so she can sleep. Cook meals. Ferry them about. Do the unglamorous stuff. Then steal precious time with both the baby and its mum when you can.
4. Babies Are Messy
It doesn't matter who you are, babies are still formidable bodily fluid machines. They poo a lot, sometimes very audibly, frequently in weird textures and colours. Then, when you’re changing their foul-smelling nappy full of green alien slime, they’ll arc a jet of pee onto you, just for gummy LOLZ. They also vomit a lot and after a while, you might not notice. It’s a rite of passage for new fathers to arrive at work with milky sick down the back of their jumper. It starts to smell like Parmesan by approximately 11am, which is nice. Pasta for lunch, yeah?
It doesn't matter who you are, babies are still formidable bodily fluid machines. They poo a lot, sometimes very audibly, frequently in weird textures and colours. Then, when you’re changing their foul-smelling nappy full of green alien slime, they’ll arc a jet of pee onto you, just for gummy LOLZ. They also vomit a lot and after a while, you might not notice. It’s a rite of passage for new fathers to arrive at work with milky sick down the back of their jumper. It starts to smell like Parmesan by approximately 11am, which is nice. Pasta for lunch, yeah?
5. It Makes You Boring
Every new parent tells themselves they won’t get boring, they’ll keep up their other interests, they'll see friends, their culturally-rich life will go on. Three months later, you’ll be bending everyone’s ear about that cute thing your kid did, showing photos to strangers and going to bed by 9pm. Wearing socks, in case you have to get up in the small hours. Rock n' roll, eh?
Every new parent tells themselves they won’t get boring, they’ll keep up their other interests, they'll see friends, their culturally-rich life will go on. Three months later, you’ll be bending everyone’s ear about that cute thing your kid did, showing photos to strangers and going to bed by 9pm. Wearing socks, in case you have to get up in the small hours. Rock n' roll, eh?
6. It's Not A Competition (Except It Completely Is)
How long was labour? Was it a natural birth? How much did it weigh? Is it sleeping through the night? Can it turn over or crawl? Is it walking/talking/playing classical piano yet? Such questions will soon obsess everyone you meet. All children develop at different rates so there’s no point comparing yours to other people’s. However, no-one can help it. And everyone thinks theirs is best. Even the parents of the ugly ones that look like a tiny alien Winston Churchill.
How long was labour? Was it a natural birth? How much did it weigh? Is it sleeping through the night? Can it turn over or crawl? Is it walking/talking/playing classical piano yet? Such questions will soon obsess everyone you meet. All children develop at different rates so there’s no point comparing yours to other people’s. However, no-one can help it. And everyone thinks theirs is best. Even the parents of the ugly ones that look like a tiny alien Winston Churchill.
7. You Get To Be A Kid Again Too
You can watch cartoons, play in the park, draw monsters, hide in dens, build train sets, do stupid voices… And everyone approves. Everyone loves it. Especially you. And once the kid’s in bed, you can totally play with their toys too. In your face, adulthood.
You can watch cartoons, play in the park, draw monsters, hide in dens, build train sets, do stupid voices… And everyone approves. Everyone loves it. Especially you. And once the kid’s in bed, you can totally play with their toys too. In your face, adulthood.
8. Oh Look, It's Granny. Again
You will suddenly start seeing a LOT more of your relatives. Great-granny and aunty won’t be able to stay away. So you should use it to your advantage — behold, free babysitting and someone to help out while you two hit the pub or want a lie-in.
You will suddenly start seeing a LOT more of your relatives. Great-granny and aunty won’t be able to stay away. So you should use it to your advantage — behold, free babysitting and someone to help out while you two hit the pub or want a lie-in.
9. It's Not Rocket Science. But It's A Bit Like It
Folding and unfolding hi-tech buggies. Putting in state-of-the-art car seats. Building new flatpack furniture. Assembling and fixing toys… You need a degree in engineering to be a dad these days. Worst of all, you’re not allowed to swear while you’re doing these tasks, in case their little ears prick and they copy you. Torture.
Folding and unfolding hi-tech buggies. Putting in state-of-the-art car seats. Building new flatpack furniture. Assembling and fixing toys… You need a degree in engineering to be a dad these days. Worst of all, you’re not allowed to swear while you’re doing these tasks, in case their little ears prick and they copy you. Torture.
10. It's The Best Thing In The World
More importantly than any of the above, being a dad will make you the proudest and happiest you've ever been. It’ll make you a man. And a lucky one at that. Hang on, I’ve got something in my eye. OK, both eyes. (If I was allowed a point 11, this would be it: fatherhood makes you VERY soppy.)
More importantly than any of the above, being a dad will make you the proudest and happiest you've ever been. It’ll make you a man. And a lucky one at that. Hang on, I’ve got something in my eye. OK, both eyes. (If I was allowed a point 11, this would be it: fatherhood makes you VERY soppy.)
It’s a rite of passage for new fathers to arrive at work with milky sick down the back of their jumper. It starts to smell like Parmesan by approximately 11am, which is nice.
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