Welcome to the Golden Age of Getting Laid: it’s easier than ever to
have sex, and everybody’s doing it. Alongside all the humping and
grunting, one thing that everybody is also doing is dispensing lies like confetti. Even a harmless little phrase like "Netflix and chill" actually means something totally different.
The fact that we're all dirty little liars isn't something we should
be ashamed of, though. Everybody knows that when you're having harmless
sex with someone you met three hours ago, you're not necessarily
projecting the most truthful version of yourself.
But in the spirit of flushing out bullsh*t from our lives, here are
11 mostly harmless lies that every millennial seems to say before,
during, and after sex.
1. “I don’t usually do this.”
Who do you think you are? R. Kelly? You do this all the time and you
like it, that’s why you’re doing it right now and will continue doing it
in the future. Whether that “it” is involves something kinky with
candle wax and food or that certain special position that can only be
achieved by a step-stool, claiming ignorance with sex won’t get you
anywhere.
2. "I’m not that kind of person.”
Come on. What are people so afraid of letting their freak flag fly?
There’s nothing wrong with being the kind of person who sleeps with
someone on the first date or the kind of person who doesn’t mind a
little backdoor action.
3. "I won’t tell anyone!”
What’s the first thing you’re going to do after you finish with a
mind-blowing sexual encounter in which your whole body got rocked up and
down like the bridge of the Titanic? Tell your friends, put up a
cryptic Facebook status, and maybe even do a little subtle somethin’
somethin’ on Instagram. Commendable behaviour? No. Do we do it anyway. Oh yes.
4. "You’re the best I’ve ever had.”
The best I’ve ever had since the last best time I ever had and until the next best I’ll ever have.
5. "I’ll call you.”
No, you won’t – if anything, you’ll text them. Which leads us to...
5a. "I’ll text you.”
No, you won’t. You’re not going to get a text from a member of the generation that invented the act of “ghosting.”
At most, you’ll get an Instagram like a few months after the initial
hook up and then maybe a stray emoji a year or two later.
6. "I came.”
Sorry, buddy, but you probably did not give her an orgasm – at least, not on your first try. But wasn't it nice of her to say?
7. "My roommates won’t mind”
If you hook up with someone with roommates, which you probably will
and probably have, it takes a huge luck of the draw to end up with a
girl whose roomie is cool with hearing her housemate explicitly
knocking boots with some random dude she met on Tinder. Speaking of
which...
8. "I hate Tinder.”
For those 50 million people on Tinder, swiping literally 1 billion
times per day, blaming Tinder for the source of their anxiety is a
commonly heard complaint. However, numbers don’t lie – so, ask yourself:
Do you really hate Tinder or do you hate striking out of Tinder?
9. "I’m not sleeping with anyone else.”
Unless you’re in a full-fledged relationship with someone else, it’s
hard to believe you’re putting the ancient belief of “going steady” into
practice with someone you only swiped right with two days ago. Half the
fun of random sex with multiple partners is the “multiple partners” aspect.
10. "I always keep things tidy.”
Ha! One of the biggest misconceptions about men and women is that
women are the only ones who like to tidy up down there when down there
is expecting company. Guys do it too, but we certainly don’t spend an
hour shaving and spritzing every single week. An HD picture of any guy’s
trash on an off-month will spell a far different stories than the
garbage coming out of his mouth.
11. "That was so good.”
Yeesh, the caveat to this house of deceit. We’ve all heard the “sex
is like pizza” argument – what people don’t talk about is the difference
between how we talk about good sex and bad sex. When the pizza is bad,
you tell the chef... when the sex is bad, you lie about it and then
avoid the person like a disgraced pizza chef who got the anchovies all
wrong.
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